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17 Nov

Exodus

I wish I was a better writer.

I’m having a *really* hard time finding the appropriate words to describe how I’m feeling.

It’s complicated.

Here are the facts:

Yesterday I put all of my belongings (besides 4 suitcases) into storage after living with a psychotic roommate who made my life a living hell for 2 months after I moved to San Francisco. Not only did he *not* tell me that his house was in foreclosure before I paid him $2000 to move in, but he was impossible to live with – angry, mean, creepy, disrespectful, etc. Not once did I ever feel “at home” there. It was depressing. It got so bad, that I even set up a webcam in my room to email me pictures if anyone went in there when I was gone. Even *I* thought that was a little paranoid, until I got an email with pictures of him walking around my room naked. All I wanted was to find some kind of normalcy after moving from Austin and yet I found the complete opposite. So instead of doing what normal people do in that situation (which would be to find a new place) I decided to pack up all my things and go travel the world to work on my album.

It was a total knee jerk decision… but then again most of my decisions are. It’s probably why my life is the way it is. Exciting, yet intrinsically turbulent. I don’t really know any other way of doing it. Unfortunately, right this second I feel overwhelmed. Afraid. Unsure. I have so many questions.

Was my situation with my ex-roommate my Karma coming to bite me in the ass? If so, do I have more Karma on the way? Did I make the right decision to go travel? Did I pack everything I need? Did I pack too much? Do I have enough money to do this? Will I actually finish an album? Will my friends get sick of me staying with them? Will I find what I’m looking for? Am I insane? Shouldn’t I thinking about my future (kids, retirement, family) instead of acting like a 20-something year old without a care in the world? Will I regret it later? AAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!!!!!

You can see that this is all a lot of stuff to digest. Speaking of digest, my stomach has really been hurting the last few days on top of it all. I guess I really am nervous.

I’m also feeling a bit lonely. Sure I’ve got a ton of great friends to hang out with but, there is a sense of intimacy that one has with another person that I’ve been missing for a little while now. It’s been 5 months since I’ve had sex. This has been mostly by choice. I don’t want to be the kind of person that jumps from one person to another to feel complete. I’ve decided that I need to find this within myself. It’s not always easy, especially with so much uncertainty in my life. It’s easy to let yourself disappear into another person because it’s an escape. The problem with those types of relationships, though, is that you’re relying on another person to give you a sense of self worth. I can’t let myself fall into that again.

Anyway, I leave for Denver (my first stop) tomorrow. I’m supposed to be remixing the new Shiny Toy Guns single with Joman and working on some new material. I still need to go through all my suitcases and see if I have everything I need. I’ve never really done this before so everything will have to be learned as I go. Hopefully all goes well. And at the very least, maybe my stomach will stop hurting.